Wanted: one nutcase, no previous experience necessary

It seems that, despite my heartfelt appeal last Sunday to give the poor guy a break, the demands for Francis Zammit Dimech’s head on a plate have continued unabated.
In fact, Francis himself has added his own voice to the chorus, writing an article in last Friday’s The Times which, had it been a Hollywood movie, would probably be entitled Death Wish I, II and III: The Omnibus Series
But who, Oh who, would we choose to replace Francis once he is gone? Without further ado, here are my humble suggestions:


Pluto
After his demotion as one of the nine planets orbiting our sun, Walt Disney’s top dog is currently out of a job. Meanwhile, tourism has already gone to the dogs, and we have long come round to accepting our status as Mickey Mouse country… so why not take the whole charade one step further?
But what about Pluto’s credentials, I hear you ask? Yes, indeed. Strange, though, that nobody ever asks for any credentials when it comes to all our human Cabinet members. For instance: what, exactly, is Louis Galea’s previous experience in education… other than the fact that he, too, once went to school? And how about Lawrence Gonzi? We all readily accepted him as Prime Minister, and even minister of finance, because… Because of what, exactly? His vast experience as president of the Azzjoni Kattolika? Because he was employed for years by the Mizzi Group of Companies? Or was it just because Eddie once said: “This is my chosen successor, in whom I am well pleased?”
But then, propose a cartoon dog as tourism minister, and suddenly everyone starts howling for a full curriculum vitae (which, for the Brand Malta ignoramuses out there, is Latin for “dog’s life.”) And yet, Pluto has exactly as much experience in tourism as Gonzi has in finance, Galea has in education, George Pullicino has in environmental protection, and I have in extra-terrestrial aeronautics engineering.
With one significant difference: of all Walt’s lovable creations (e.g., Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Tonio Borg, etc), Pluto was the only one who never said a word. That’s right, folks: all action, no talk. Just what the tourism doctor ordered…

Tom Cruise
There are a number of reasons why Hollywood superstar-cum-Scientology nutcase Tom Cruise would make a fantastic minister for tourism.
The first and most obvious is that, as a certain Romwald Lungaro Mifsud once told us, it’s a “Mission Impossible” kind of job. Furthermore, Mr Cruise has just been dropped by Paramount Pictures for his “questionable behaviour”, a fact which immediately means two things: One, he’s available, and two, he’s a couple of cocktails short of a gala dinner. Which is great news, because let’s face it, you’d have to be completely mad to even consider accepting the position in the first place.
Oh, and one other thing: with Cruise as tourism minister, we wouldn’t even have to rename the new terminal at Pinto Wharf. How’s that for convenience?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Or whatever his name is)
Question: What do the Iranian president and Malta’s tourism minister have in common? Answer: Most ordinary, level-headed people want them out of their job as soon as possible.
Therefore, I propose a straight swap: we get Ahma-whatever to replace Francis as tourism minister, while Iran gets Francis to replace Ahma-whatever as President. This way, not only would any threat to Israel’s continued existence be automatically ruled out forever (Francis? Destroy a country? Never!), but we will also finally get some long overdue action in the hospitality and leisure sector.
And what form will this action take? Simple: we’ll build our own nuclear weapons capability, and wipe all competing tourism destinations clean off the Mediterranean map.

And finally, Lara Croft
Apart from being a renowned authority in world heritage sites (having plundered a few in her time), Miss Croft has a couple of other assets which make her an attractive proposition for the job. Besides: with Lara as minister, I might actually start attending all those boring tourism press conferences for a change…